Happy New Year!  Hopefully 2010 will be a good one for you.  I certainly feel optimistic about it personally.  Whether that’s due to the nice weather we’ve been having, the diligence I’ve had lately in taking my vitamins and exercising, or something else entirely, I’ll take it, none the less.

I’m currently researching a few topics that will be posted shortly; caregiver fatigue, new technologies in the treatment of back pain, and chemical causes of nerve pain.  In the meantime, I thought I’d send an encouraging word about giving to start off this new decade.

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.                                       

                                                             -Winston Churchill  

Sometimes we can get wrapped up in our daily struggles, and forget where we are truly and magnificently fortunate.  It takes practise to remember the good things we have, and repeated effort to get into the habit of helping others.  Despite all the difficulties, most of us here in Canada have plenty of wonderful good fortune too.  Good friends, a wonderful place to live, a beautiful view, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg for Bernard and I.  Take a moment every so often to remember what you have that is good.  It increases happiness and also makes us better humans, because when we appreciate our own luck, we also tend to be more caring about other people’s misfortune.

The new year has certainly brought misfortune to the people of Haiti, and to all their friends and family in other countries who grieve or worry.  I hope you’ll step out of your own life for a moment and give what you can to a charity that will assist the people of Haiti. 

The Red Cross is a personal favorite because of their good work and non-religious base.  Most Canadian banks are now accepting donations for The Canadian Red Cross Haiti fund.  Donations can also be made online or by calling or mailing a cheque.  The Canadian government will match any funds that you donate to a recognized organization until February 15, as long as you specify that the money is for the Haiti Earthquake relief.

Summer has definitively arrived here in the Kootenays, after a particularly long cloudy winter.  It’s been really beautiful the last while, making it a pleasure to be out in the yard. 

Loving to garden and develop our understanding of growing food, this year we are expanding the existing raised bed garden that’s great for growing tomatoes, tomatillos, eggplant and peppers, due to its protected south exposure.  We’ve also just created a new garden plot on the west side of the yard, which I’ve just about finished planting.  Bernard researched fencing options (there are deer, so we need to have a fence), phoned around for the best deals and organized to have a local fellow with a market garden come with his tractor to dig up the new area for us.  We seem to have lucked upon a good spot with pretty nice soil to start out with. 

When it comes to growing our own food we know a little and have much to learn.  Two years ago, in addition to the other vegetables,  we had a bit of a tomato project, growing about 30 different varieties, saving seed, seeing which grew well here.  Last year it was pole beans.  This year little plots of millet, amaranth, hulless barley and quinoa are milling with the carrots and cabbages in the new garden.  A bunch of fruit bushes have been planted this year too: black and red currants, hardy kiwi, saskatoons, and gooseberries so far.  We have big plans, but only one body that can do the physical work necessary, so it takes time.  Hiring someone to come dig out the garden was a big help, and keeping the deer fence light and simple for now was also the most practical thing to do. 

My mother gave us an outdoor lounger last year that’s made for two people and can lay down flat when needed. This allows Bernard, on his better days, to make his way carefully outside to get some sun and enjoy the beautiful yard and forest.  The lounger has a great view of the new garden too.  This is crucial to staying positive when he has so much pain and uncertainty about ever being healed. 

Summer reminds me that life goes on, even when you’re living with a terrible injury.  We try to do at least some of the things we love, because it certainly doesn’t help to get down and sit in the house on a beautiful day.  Even though, I must say, it’s weird to be doing ‘normal’ things when really we are in a crisis.  It’s like that with everything I do.  I know it’s good to do what we can and enjoy ourselves, but then I find it crazy that we aren’t just screaming and crying at the insanity of it all.

 
[Nkole:] 

What a lovely few days we’ve had! A break from anxiety and fear about the future. Some time to just be happy with our life.

I’m off work until January 2nd, so we’ve been able to really relax, take naps, enjoy copious good food and feel a little optimistic about the future.

Just before Christmas I talked with the medical clinic here on the East Shore. We came up with a new plan for getting Bernard updated testing and, hopefully, a clear, comprehensive diagnosis. Since he can no longer travel in the old Jeep, we had been a little desperate for a new approach and some assistance.

As soon as hospital staffing is back to normal, after New Years, Bernard will be taken by ambulance to the hospital in Nelson. Our East Shore physician, Dr. M, says he will book all the tests he’s able to, and Bernard will likely have to be sent to Trail, BC for some of them, half an hour from Nelson. Then the doctor will call in the local specialist who can look at the X-ray and CAT scan and will, hopefully, decide to have a new MRI taken.

Since we can’t do any of that at this moment, we have only to relax and try a little fun.

Bernard and I are living in my parents’ home, having worked out a suitable arrangement.  We live on the lower floor, while mom and dad are upstairs. We cook together, and generally, surprisingly, get along well. They’ve helped us so much. I don’t know what we would have done if they hadn’t welcomed us here.  I do what I can to keep the household going too, mowing the lawn, stacking wood, cooking, and now, snow blowing us out of the latest snowstorm.

My younger brother, Ryan, came home for a few days, from Calgary. So, we were all together, chilling out and eating far too much! Christmas Eve we made pizza, played with the kitten and watched some television. Then, in the morning we drank champagne with orange juice, coffee, and ate fruit buns while sitting in front of the wood stove opening presents. On Boxing Day we made a delicious turkey with all the traditional fixings, and enjoyed the festive moment. For this meal we pulled the dining table near to the bed where Bernard mostly must lie and had a slightly more formal dining experience. It was pretty, delicious and fun.

Ryan left back for the city this morning, after we shovelled a path through the heavy snow. Bernard and the kitten are now cozied up in bed napping as The Sound of Music plays on CBC television. Just good feelings all around.

New Years approaches, and with it the typical sense of new possibilities. Bernard’s 40th birthday is in a couple days too, and though he’s not impressed with that thought at the moment, we’ll try to have a fun time and make the best of this little homey holiday.

 
[Nicole:]

Despair isn’t helpful.  Rather, it slows down any progress that could be made.  But I’m unable to avoid the occasional bout of despair as we try to get Bernard some decent help. 

 
This week I’ve been really down about our situation.  I cried at work, on the phone to my friend Kath, with Bernard, and I have basically been grouchy and sad. 

 
Bernard is declining fast.  He now has constant pain even with painkillers.  He is unable to walk or sit, and we need to get him a new MRI (Magnetic Resonance Imaging).  The last one he had was over two and a half years ago, and his injury has worsened substantially since then.

 
At that time we were in Calgary, Bernard was still working and we even went sailing on occasion, at the Glenmore reservoir in our tiny little sea monkey of a boat called ‘Zee Aapje’.  That seems to have been a whole other lifetime.  Now our days transpire in and around a queen sized bed, and though we try our best to have fun and enjoy life, it has not been at all easy lately.

 
So… he needs a new MRI and other tests too.  We live seven hours from the nearest specialist, who is in Kelowna.  Bernard can no longer travel in my parents’ Jeep, so that makes getting anywhere very difficult.  I’ve been trying to get him help, applying for programs and going to the doctor without him.  This isn’t going to work now.  He needs to be reassessed, and soon. 

 
Our plan was to skip the long waiting list that tends to be a part of getting an MRI, not to mention the difficult trip to yet another specialist just to get on the MRI list.  And, I don’t think we could handle another old school specialist being hasty and indifferent and telling us nothing new.  Instead, we’ve been saving money to go have the MRI from a private clinic.  Our doctor in Nelson said he could book us at one of the private clinics right away. (Family physicians in British Columbia can’t book publicly funded MRI’s.) 

 
But this comes with all sorts of other difficulties.  For example, the closest clinic is in Kelowna, or across the border into the States.  So, it’s either a 7 hour drive to Kelowna in the winter, or a three and a half hour trip to Spokane, WA.  How to get a vehicle that he could travel in?  Borrow?  Barter?  I don’t have a credit card to rent a vehicle with, a fact I now really regret.  And the legality of travelling with him lying in the back of a borrowed vehicle across the U.S. Canada border is also iffy. 

 
I’ve just called Mary, our East Shore health nurse, this morning.  She’s a caring person who may have some advice about what we should do.  Do we call the ambulance and try out the public medical system once again?  They would take him to Cranbrook, nearly three hours from here.  Would they book him for the necessary tests right away and send him on to Calgary for this, or simply send him home with stronger painkillers and another appointment months away?  Who knows.

 
As well, we are going to write a letter to the two specialists we know.  Maybe if we update them on the circumstances, they will consider booking an emergency MRI without Bernard having to make a trip to see them first.  Worth a try… nothing to lose… nada nada nada…  

My dear friend Elena is travelling.  Peru, Ecuador, Columbia….  She’s so little I can’t help worrying about her!  But much like Nkole, Elena has a practical boldness that always seems to carry her through.  And she’s so friendly and so little that people, I think, can’t help but help her.  (I’ve always had the challenging mix of largeness and shyness.) 

Now Elena’s a sweetie.  And she knows I’m not well.  Soooo… she’s sent me a package.  I’ve been anticipating it for weeks… well, months, really, long before it was mailed!  And now, here it is!  Yesterday it came - a mid-sized box just plastered with stamps.  I love stamps… and presents… and parcels in the mail… and the scent of exotic faraway places! 

- Next time: What’s inside?

Backyard Crimson

Hi! My name is Bernard, and I have a lower back injury. My partner Nkole and I are writing this blog to share our daily experience of living with this injury, and the process of trying to get appropriate help.

I’m eager to get better and optimistic that that is possible.

Right now there are some substantial obstacles between me and that goal. Some of those challenges are logistical, and financial, though the most daunting is often the lack of information and the generally poor state of medical knowledge when it comes to back care.

I require surgery and will almost certainly have to travel outside of the country for it, since good options are not to be found here at present. This considerably increases the probable expense and difficulty.